Women and Men: Nurturers and Providers

My wife and I had a rare disagreement this morning. She’s my happy wife, my God-given wife. Today’s disagreement was about caterpillars. Caterpillars! The earlier disagreement was about boys. Yes, two boys, my sons of whom I am proud. Our discussion this morning was virtually the same disagreement that often divided that first marriage.

Those who know boys know that from time to time one or both of the boys would do something which would not be acceptable in an adult. I wanted to teach them accountability. I asserted, “They’ll never function well if they don’t learn to take responsibility.” … “But, they’re only children,” she implored…. “We have to prepare them to be adults,” I’d object. There it would end leaving me helpless. She was their mother.

And so it would go. … Repeatedly…. With time she came to think of me as a brute and those boys as victims. That conformed with her sense of herself. She blamed her father for her troubled childhood. Now I was the insensitive male. Eventually, that became too much to overcome, and our marriage came to a sad dissolution in hopelessness after 22 years.

But that was then, and here I am forty-one years later. I love my wife. Our union is nothing like that earlier misbegotten effort.

Caterpillars like to feed on milkweed, and my wife has grown milkweed from seed. She’s proud of that. I’m proud of her. The milkweed then attracted butterflies to leave caterpillar eggs on the leaves. They were very small. She was proud of that. I’m proud of her.

Now caterpillars have emerged from those eggs, and they are thriving. Just imagine what can be next.

My wife takes joy from the new life thus brought into being. I don’t blame her. I’m proud of her nurturing. More than that, I am the beneficiary of her nurturing. I love her and try to return her nurture. But I’m only a man.

The question is how far she should go to observe and interact with those caterpillars. How much should they be allowed to thrive and grow on their own, naturally, and how much care and assistance can benefit them before it becomes inhibiting dependence? She wants to make sure they’re protected; I want to let them thrive naturally. She examines them and moves them about a few times a day. I’m inclined to let them thrive on their own.

As we conversed we found common ground about our caterpillars. Initially, I would say, “Be careful that you don’t over-mother them.” I was thinking of the danger to plants of overwatering. She pointed out that they had about used up all their food sources. They would perish without help. We now have a common understanding about our new garden offspring.

Eventually, if all goes well, today’s caterpillars will emerge into butterflies and fly away. We both hope that they linger nearby to continue the life cycle through their creation of new eggs of their own set on their journey from childhood as caterpillars into the adult freedom of butterflies.

My guess is that it’s only natural for women to cultivate the new life they nurture, while it’s only natural for men to prepare offspring to go off on their own. Women, often though not always, see children as innocents needing to be shielded from a dangerous, demanding world. Men, often though not always, see children as future adults to groom for the responsibilities to come.

Gender differences are not universal. There are exceptions. Moreover, the differences may be divine Providence, or they may be the consequence of millennia of evolution.

Which approach is better for offspring? That I can’t know. After all, I’m only a man.